


The Broken Baggins

by Ironman_out_keele



Category: The Hobbit
Genre: Animal Transformation, BAMF Bilbo, Family traits, Fell Winter, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hobbit Culture, Hobbits celebrate Durins Day too, Humor, I suck at these things, I think?, PTSD, Sassy Bilbo, There will be songs, Traditions, as you could tell, enjoy said songs?, go with it, just go with it, just their own way?, superpowers? I think yes!!, takes no shit Bilbo, there is definitely humor at one point, there will be cussing, you are warned!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-25 09:14:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4954744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironman_out_keele/pseuds/Ironman_out_keele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baggins' strength? Check<br/>Took's Bulls-eye accuracy? Check<br/>Un-Hobbit-like animal transformation? Check<br/>Doesn't really act like a hobbit? Check<br/>Traumatic experience? Check<br/>Bilbo Baggins has been rejected by most with his kin and kith, with most saying that the lad would never be a proper hobbit after the death of his parents. Now let's add a wizard, 13 dwarrows, a quest and a dragon to the mix of an already mad life of one Bilbo Baggins of Bag-End.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Lil Bee for editing this chapter!! It's beautiful!

_Snow was swirling around, tossing Bilbo's copper hair about, the locks stained black and red around and whipping them into his face. Blood, both fresh red and old black, splattered on and around his person, turning the white snow into a grayish-pink slush. A white monster, taller than he had ever imagined, taller even than the funny man in grey, stalked its way up the path towards Bilbo. The monster, covered in scars and in the blood of his species, approached. A curved black spear jutted out of the beast's arm, with it hooked into Bilbo's mother, dripping with her blood, as well as that of many others. The beast, after it had finished killing his mother, then tossed the corpse to where his father's cold body lay. Someone - a child, Bilbo soon realized - screamed._

_Bilbo, realizing that it was himself who was screaming, snapped his mouth shut with a click. Spotting a fire poker lying near him, Bilbo picked it up, looked towards the beast before him (who was now speaking to another in a ear-grating language), and charged to stab it in the shin. This was rather unfortunate, for he was barely a foot tall, mind you, but yelling his war cry of revenge, terror, hatred and sorrow all the same._

_All of a sudden, he was no longer touching the ground, and, even worse, no longer able to breathe. Dropping the poker, he started to thrash around, only to stop by a dark laugh. Looking up, Bilbo saw the murderer of his family looking at him with blood lust-filled eyes._

_Before he was able to scream and thrash further, desperately wanting to get away, believing he was about to die, Bilbo was slammed into the ground. The child grunted with pain, trying to take in air that he so desperately need, especially after it was forced out so suddenly. The monster lessened his hold on Bilbo's throat and tore at the child's clothing. Once Bilbo's chest was exposed, the beast started to carved into the poor fauntling, creating a crude 'A' above the heart. The air was previously silent, now only broken by the earth-shattering screams of the child and the cruel chuckling of the beast as it worked._

_Bilbo expected to die that moment, with the monster carving into his skin, like a carver would to wood or stone. But the next thing he knew, he was flying towards a white beast, one like a large wolf. Landing, Bilbo heard a snap and felt excruciating pain in his left arm and leg. Turning to relieve some of the pain, he screamed anew as he came face-to-face with the white beast. Once again hearing the crude language of the monster, Bilbo's last thought before feeling something hot crawl down his shoulder and chest was ' **Am I going to die?** ' The beast growled and prepared to tear out hi- _

"BILBO!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks Lil Bee for editing the chapters!!


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Lil Bee for editing this chapter! Beautiful as ever, your work is. Again thank you!!

"Bilbo? Come on lad, wake up, it's just a bad dream," Hamfast Gamgee spoke as he gently shook one Bilbo Baggins of Bag-End, who was murmuring wildly under his breath, brow sweating and body squirming like a fish on a hook.

Hamfast Gamgee, Bilbo's trusted gardener, had heard Bilbo scream earlier when he was going out to tend said hobbit's garden. Now, granted, this was a beautiful garden that both of them are proud of, especially the prize-winning roses and tomatoes, of which five years in a row of awards had been given, much to the annoyance of the ever-horrible Sackville-Bagginses, who had no greener thumbs than Hobbits had hate for mushrooms. So, as one might thus suspect, abandonment of his cherished duties tending to said garden only were acceptable of something really dreadful happened, such as Lobelia suddenly dropping by for high tea while in a garish new dress, or one of the Took boys stealing one too many mushrooms from Farmer Maggot and evoking the wrath of his awful guard dogs, or, like this time, Bilbo Baggins, Hamfast's very own employer and friend, suffering a nightmare so awful he started screaming fit to wake the dead, the dying, and the deaf all at once.

~*~*~*~

**_Now, before we get back to this story, let me tell you a bit about our dear Hamfast. Hamfast Gamgee is a hard working hobbit, one with a good amount of respectability to his name, along with the greenest thumb in the Shire since the passing of his dear old father, Harold, which is to be expected as that is their family gift._ **

**_You are probably wondering what a gift is, aren't you? Well a gift is what one hobbit clan receives as a child, much like a superpower, or a mutation...I guess... Anyway, each family has a unique trait, the Gamgees have their green thumb, Tooks have their accuracy in any and everything, the Baggins have their strength, and the Brandybucks have their, I guess you would call it, emotional and physical understanding? Yes, let's go with that, shall we? The Sackville-Baggins have their understanding of wealth, I believe, but I never really understood them, to be honest...well, to be fair, they never really liked me either, called me a disturber of peace and other such rubbish. Well, the feeling is mutual my friend, the feeling is mutual._ **

**_Anyway, back to our dear Hamfast Gamgee. Hamfast has five, going on six children and a beautiful wife, if I do say so myself. He has, last time I remember, blond hair peppered with grey, and...blue eyes? Or were they hazel? Hm...they were hazel I believe... Hamfast is an average hobbit, with a round stomach and good size feet and with a good amount of hair on said feet. Many have told me that you should always have a Gamgee as a friend, and what better friend for our dear Bilbo Baggins that this one hobbit?_ **

**_Now let's get back to the story, okay? Alright!_ **

~*~*~*~

"MR. BILBO!" Hamfast hollered as he roughly shook Bilbo to try to wake him. Bilbo himself shot upright with both fists swinging wildly, accidentally clipping Hamfast on the jaw in the process, as his sleep-addled mind insisted that he keep trying to fight against the non-existent threat. Hamfast then grabbed Bilbo's flying fists and clambered onto the flailing hobbit's body, holding him down by sitting on him so neither would get seriously hurt. He then proceed to try to calm Bilbo down as best as he could.

"Mr. Bilbo, it's me Hamfast Gamgee, your best friend, come on, wake up, you're safe and sound, I promise! It's been a good thirty-five years since The Fell Winter! Breathe, Mr. Bilbo, come on now! Come on Mr. Bilbo, we're in Bag-End, the beast ain't here! I promise on every vegetable I ever grew that's it's not! Please Mr. Bilbo, wake up, it's just a bad dream! Please, Mr. Bilbo, you're scaring me, wake up, wake up! Mr. Bilbo!" By that time, Hamfast was trying not to cry, his voice cracking in both fear and pain. His friend and employer ( _and more like a brother as time went on, if he were to be honest_ ), was suffering, just as he had been doing for years, and he didn't know what to do. To his eternal frustration, Hamfast, for all his desire to help, never really did know what to do during these episodes, especially when Bilbo refused to talk or eat for hours on end.

A few long minutes after Hamfast's pleas for Bilbo to wake up, Bilbo did precisely that: he woke up, eyes blinking as he stared in confusion at his reddened hands. Realizing that the stinging in his hands, combined with the new-looking bruise slowly darkening on his gardener's jaw, meant that he, Bilbo, had hit Hamfast during his nightmare-filled sleep, Bilbo whimpered. Grabbing the other Hobbit and pulling him into a hug, he tried not to cry. Tapping in Morse Code on Hamfast's shoulder, Bilbo repeatedly tapped  _I'm sorry, I'm so, so very sorry_ before being gently pushed away.

"Mr. Bilbo, please, listen to me, it's okay, you're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay. Please stop saying sorry, there's nothin' to be sorry for. Here, let me make you second breakfast, okay? You look like you could use a plate or two of scones and jam to calm your nerves," Hamfast spoke quietly as he rubbed Bilbo's shoulders and arms. Once receiving a nod from Bilbo, Hamfast got up and went to grab Bilbo's comfort clothes, knowing that the soft fabrics and neutral colors had helped relax him during past episodes.

Once returning back, Hamfast handed Bilbo a stack of previously said clothes, telling him to get dressed, and then go have a nice, relaxing smoke outside. "The fresh air will do you well laddie." He then proceeded to head out the door to make second breakfast, thinking about what could be made quickly so he could get back to his ailing friend faster.

"Poor lad, peaky and tired and in real need of some good food to get his head clear and happy. Hmm, let's see, some waffles, a bit o' fruit, a nice fried egg sandwich and a good rasher o' bacon should do the trick," Hamfast muttered as he walked towards the kitchen.

This menu was so often used by now that using it as a post-episode meal was a normal occurrence in Bag-End for Bilbo and Hamfast. On better days, it was also common for any other Gamgee, or even a passing Took.

~*~*~*~

Bilbo looked at the clothes Hamfast handed him, fingers reaching out to touch the soft fabric. A pale red hooded shirt, thick brown pants ( _the vendor who had sold them swore up and down that they were so comfortable you could even wear them in summertime, and sweat your way through them with no unhappiness whatsoever)_ , and a soft white shirt, all things Bilbo and other members of the Shire has made for these occasions after the Fell Winter. 

Changing into the clothes given to him, Bilbo grabbed his pipe and walked past the kitchen, tapping on the door-frame, signaling his leave out of the house. Hamfast hummed his acknowledgment while he finishing cutting up the fruits to put into a bowl.

Once he got outside in the sunshine, Bilbo sat on the bench and under the tree growing next to his bedroom, remembering idly that, funnily enough, he had, long ago, planted the Oak himself. Enjoying the time with his pipe, he listened to the soft melody of the bird's chirping, the leaves swishing, the faint sound off in the distance that had a Hobbit's shrill, horrified screeching about...  _Dwarrows? What in the world is all that rubbish about? Must be Lobelia making all that racket, I wonder what she smoked this morning, wouldn't mind having some..._ Bilbo silently mused, all the while puffing out a few smoke rings.

Closing his eyes, Bilbo felt himself relax in the bit of sun that peeked through the leaves...that is, until someone rather inconveniently blocked it out. Grumbling, Bilbo was about tell the annoying little prick to move when a thick plume of pipe smoke was suddenly blown (quite rudely, mind you) in his face. Bilbo jerked his eyes open to see a tall man in grey robes, with an annoyingly crafty look on his face.

_Well, fuck my life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!! Was it a crash n burn or no? Anyway, I'll try to update as often as I can okay? Thank you guys!! Love ya!!
> 
> I should get you guys a nickname...hmm...should I? Comment your thoughts?


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be major amount of cussing here, just to let ya know.  
>  Thank you for the nk you again Lil Beed for editing the past three chapters!! Makes 'em more beautiful!! Again, thank you Lil Bee

"Good _morning,_ sir," Bilbo managed to growl out at the man in front of him.

_Only it isn't a good morning, is it? It's the farthest thing in the entire bloody world from a good morning. So, the bastard decided to show his fucking face again? After, what, thirty-five years?! And on **this** fucking day! Oh, I am so going to fucking beat his arse, wizard or not! How **dare** he come show his face on the anniversary of my parents' death. No, how **dare** he leave a **child alone to raise himself!** If he feeds some ridiculous spiel of shit on me, I **will** toss the thrice-be-damned bastard into the side of the fucking Lonely Mountain, or fuck, the  **ocean** if he enrages me off so!!_

"What do you mean?"

_Oh, here we go again with the fucking riddles!_

"Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or is it that you feel good this morning, or that it is a morning to be good on?" Bilbo tilted his head and squinted at the old man.

"All of them at once I suppose, if I were anyone else, that is, I meant it as a greeting but, then, that's just _me_..."

The man smirked in apparent good humor and continued to look at Bilbo curiously. Bilbo absently gnawed on the mouthpiece of his pipe as he decide where he was going to toss the bastard. Hopefully he won't be turned into a toad if he did happened to do so.

"May I... help you?," Bilbo offered shortly, glaring at the man in grey.

"That remains to be seen," the man countered. Bilbo almost snorted. The man was deliberately trying to egg him on by acting all dramatic. Fucking drama queen, that one.

_Are all wizards such dramatics, or is it just the one I'm stuck playing a round of questions with today?_

"I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure." The man threw out, like one with too much pride would do to beg, hoping that will it possibly catch the attention of the person they're seeking out help from, without really asking.

"Oh  _fuck_ no! You should know Gandalf the Grey, that I  _DO NOT DO FUCKING ADVENTURES!!!_ Not anymore, not after what happened because of adventures. Speaking of which, do you not remember a young traumatized faunt you had in your custody? What would one Belladona Baggins née Took say to one wizard for leaving her only child,  _barely fifteen years of age, mind you,_  all on his own to _raise himself?!_ Well, I know she would take you over her knee again and beat your grey-swamped wizard arse black and blue again! Remember the last time she did that? Because _I_ do! You left me in the presence of a fucking wolf when I was nine years old, that is not proper behavior! You can take your adventure and stuff it back up your arse, you sodding prat!"

At this moment, the frustrated hobbit was standing on the bench he was sitting in, curly-haired feet stretching upwards so that his tiptoes offered just that tiny bit of extra reach, and practically yelling in the wizard's face.

"BILBO BAGGINS!!! How _dare_ -" Gandalf began to yell back at Bilbo but Bilbo thought otherwise.

"Oh, _I_ FUCKING DARE!! I will toss your sorry arse to fucking Erebor if I continue to _dare insult the great fucking wizard, Gandalf the Grey!_ " Bilbo snapped at Gandalf.

"What would your parents think if they heard you threatening to throw me? Your father would wash our mouth with that tongue of yours!! I'll do it myself if you continue to use that vulgar language!," Gandalf spoke to Bilbo in that disapproving tone that Bilbo hated, hearing that from most of the Shire on a daily occasion.

"My father? Is _that_ so? My  _father_ would toss you _himself_ for what you did to me, and beside him would be my mother to help to throw you into the seas, having perfect accuracy to make sure he hits the mark true. And that's _after_ yelling at you for leaving me alone for _35 whole years_ without a visit, a letter, nothing!!! And I remember the conversation to do so that night too!!" Though his words were sharp as throwing knives, Bilbo spoke with an eerily quiet voice, his body visibly shaking with rage as if his small Hobbit body was struggling not to burst from the effort of containing it all.

"What do you want wizard, and speak _clearly_ , or so help me, I _will_ fulfill that wish for my late parents. Or does the reason you being here somehow  _not_ involve a baker's dozen of half-mad dwarrows, a mountain and a fire-breathing _dragon_ to deal with?"

This question was meet with, unsurprisingly, a rather shocked Gandalf. "How did you come to know of this?," he demanded.

"The five minutes I sat out here, I heard Lobelia screeching like a soaked cat about something involving said dwarrows milling around the Green Dragon pub, demanding to use a sodding forge. I didn't believe it at first, because it was _Lobelia_ saying it. That is, until _you_ confirmed it," Bilbo mumbled to himself as he refilled his pipe.

Once he was done lighting it, Bilbo patted the seat next to him for Gandalf to sit on. Once said the wizard had seated himself, Bilbo offered him some of his pipe weed. Grumbling, Gandalf stepped through the gate and sat next to the copper-haired Hobbit. Gandalf then looked at Bilbo, noticing the changes from the fauntling that he remembered from years before. The hobbit was lean, worryingly so, to the point of looking "half-starved" in comparison to the average Hobbit of his age and station. His curls were shorter and tightly wound, unlike everyone else in the Shire, whose hair usually reaches a good inch or two before their shoulders. He had a pale complexion, making his small spatter of freckles stand out like ink dribbles. Bilbo turned toward the wizard, offering his bag of pipe weed again with a raised brow. Gandalf took this time to scan Bilbo's evergreen tree-like eyes, eyes that showed the years of pain and loneliness in them.

"Bilbo my lad, you still have those unique Took-Baggins eyes. Beautiful as always," Gandalf spoke kindly as he packed his pipe with the pipe weed offering.

Bilbo snorted at this. "Makes me an oddity out here, nothing beautiful about being _that_ in _these_ parts. Now enough of the flattery, however nice it may be. _What_ , pray tell, is going on with the dwarrows, and are you really going to Erebor?"

"Well, they want you to-"

"MR. BILBO!!" Hamfast interrupted sharply, all the while running towards the pair with a frying pan in his hands. Once standing in front of an amused Bilbo, he pointed the frying pan towards the grey-robed member of the Big Folk like one would with a sword.

"Are you alright? I was going to tell you that second breakfast was done when I saw this fella was out here sittin' next to ya. Do I need to give a good wackin' to this clotpole? I know a person who knows a person who knows where and how to bury his body without no one knowin' about it before it was too late," Hamfast blurted, adjusting his hold on the pan to get ready to swing a deadly blow at the sound of so much as a "Please, _do_ murder the wizard and bury him under Lobelia's wilted begonias, he might make good enough fertilizer to make her garden actually _grow_ something."

Seeing both an angry Hamfast and a scared Gandalf, **one image he never thought to see out of either of them** , Bilbo let out a great peal of laughter, the sound ringing like bells in the air. Shocked at the sudden mood change, both wizard and gardener looked at the Hobbit as if he was a bit batty. Hamfast actually dropped the frying pan in shock, for it had been years since he heard Bilbo laugh.

"No, no, it's quite alright," Bilbo chuckled, "I already gave him a tongue lashing strong enough to put my mother to shame. I hope you don't mind if I invite him over for second breakfast? He was just telling me about something that involved the dwarrows here in the Shire and Erebor. Would that be fine?," Bilbo asked Despite the fact that he was the master of the house, Bilbo was going to ask Hamfast because he was going to make his friend dine with him for second breakfast. Said hobbit picked up the pan and nodded.

The wizard, however, seemed to have other ideas about second breakfast, because he suddenly looked as if he wished to be anywhere else, hands held up in mock supplication as he tried to find a suitable way to refuse without being offensive enough to risk the painful kiss of Hamfast's frankly terrifying-looking frying pan **given the fact that said frying pan was built to not only accomodate Hobbit family breakfasts for at least five fauntling children, but to withstand the considerable wear and tear such large, constant meals might require to the point of being sturdier than Warg skulls, the cooking utensil was by no means lacking in powers of intimidation.**

"No, no, it's too much, Bilbo, I simply _couldn't_ -," Gandalf began, before being interrupted again.

"Then it's settled, let's all go inside to have something to eat!," Bilbo spoke brightly, curls flying about his head in a halo as he clapped his hands together.

Despite the brightness in his tone, his smile as he looked at the tallest of the three of them seemed suddenly to have far, _far_ too many pearly-white teeth bared. The wizard was suddenly uncmofortably reminded of a wolf looking at a downed would-be meal.

"Why do I get the feeling there is going to be a pattern of me being interrupted today?," Gandalf murmured to himself, a sigh escaping as he followed the two Hobbits inside.

"Oh shut it you old codger, you do it all the time," Bilbo chided, lips struggling valiantly not to twitch into a grin at the sudden, almost hiccup-like lurching motion the wizard had to make to keep from hitting his head as he ducked through the much lower, Hobbit-sized doorway, only to hit his head on the chandelier a few seconds later.

"Now here," he pressed a plate of food into the large hands, "Hamfast makes a mean fried egg sandwich," said Hobbit flushed at the tips of his pointed ears at the praise, "so eat it while you finish your explanation, hmm?"

The request held back a thinly-veiled demand for answers, and they all knew it. Sighing again, Gandalf began to bite into the repast provided for him, noting idly that Gamgee sandwiches, while indeed very delicious, were most certainly not made for Big Folk like himself to handle when one also has quite a long beard to contend with, as there were several spots of crumbs and bits of egg white to clean away afterwards.

As both hobbits and wizard finished eating the breakfast that Hamfast provided, Gandalf told Bilbo of the quest he and the thirteen dwarrows were planning to take, one that consisted of Smaug, who was the previously spoken dragon, as well as a special stone and an even moreso special mountain, which hopefully would hold back the growing dark forces that the members of the White Council were feeling of late.

"Gandalf, you do realize how them dwarrows are going to react to us? For Yavanna's sake, one would think that we've never seen or felt hardship, or at least, not ones that didn't consisted of a poor crop or a missed meal. They'll think of us as soft creatures. They'll feel awful things, perhaps even hatred and jealousy towards us, and with the  _Day of Fire_ coming up, they'll feel ridiculed and feel absolute rage. Have you've thought this through?," Hamfast croaked out as he wrung the nearest tea towel into knots in his hands.

Gandalf turned to the worried Hobbit with a benevolent smile and proceeded to answer his question. "My dear Hamfast Gamgee, _Durin's Day_ is the same day as your _Day of Fire._  I should think that, if anything, they will be grateful and flattered for this holiday you've created. Perhaps you could ask them tonight or sing to the them duri-"

"Wait, what, do you mean,  _tonight?_  Gandalf you waited until _today_  to tell me of this? They had _months_ , Gandalf, **months!!**  You have the absolute _gall_  to spring this lunacy on me now, out of the blue? I don't even know if they even _eat_  the same things as Hobbits, or as much! I don't know what to cook for them, or if it will poison them or give them horrible allergy problems, or if they'll eat me out of house and home! Gandalf Greyhame, so help me, if you pull this on me ever again, I will not hesitate to box your ears and tan your hide with every spoon and ladle in this smial like the rude fauntling you're currently behaving like. Understood?!," Bilbo growled out, while Gandalf, eyes wide with the sudden explosion of anger, only nodded.

"Good, you and Hamfast will go to the market to get enough bloody fucking food to feed about three hobbits _at least_. Terribly sorry Hamfast, I would do it myself, but I would probably need to air out the bloody fucking guest rooms even more, if my photographic memory hasn't failed me yet, or one certain lousy wizard has _forgotten_. You watch yourself, you bloody fucking arse-hat!!" Bilbo yelled, staring with a thunderously grumpy expression as he all but shoved Gandalf out the door and watched him flee down the road.

"Serves the coward right, forgetting who I am. Honestly, with parents like mine, you'd think he would remember that I'm not just a Baggins, but a Took to boot, and we don't take that sort of inane stupidity from _anyone_ , much less Big Folk like him! No _wonder_  the Thain named him 'Disturber of the peace', if he did this to all Hobbits there never _would_  be any peace!"

Chuckling, Hamfast turned to his longtime employer, noting the stress practically dripping out of his frame as he followed him to the door, and quietly asked, "Do you want me to get some help to cook and such, Mr. Bilbo?"

"Oh _yes, please_ ," the other Hobbit all but groaned in relief, thankful for the help. "Could you also get a few barrels of the ale and whiskey from the Green Dragon? Not the men's, I'd prefer our make. Three barrels," and after a moment of mentally self-arguing, ground out, "and a bottle for the bloody wizard, that shall do. Thank you so much Ham, I'll pay you before you leave for home," the last part was rather breathless, but this was to be expected, as he promptly rushed Hamfast out the door before the other Hobbit could protest against the payment.

"MARK THE GATE AND **NOT**  THE DOOR, GANDALF, OR YOU WON'T EVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!!" Bilbo yelled out before he shut the door behind Hamfast, catching a glimpse of a guilty-faced wizard before, in a flurry of grey robes, he was suddenly gone.

**Bother and befuddle him and his stupid hat both, the impolite lout.**

Turning around, Bilbo rubbed his his hand over the long scar on his breast, sighing before walking to get ready for the guests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment your thoughts! This will help me a lot but thank you!!


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^ is Bilbo's input  
> * is Gandalf's input  
> One version of the song is below here:  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FcSqI1KZiLI  
> Another version of the song is below here:  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3kVVn80pFOc  
> Thank you for the love my...snowflakes!! I shall call you my snowflakes!! :)

 "'Of all the money that e'er I had 

I spent it in good company 

And all the harm I've ever done

 Alas, it was to none but me 

And all I've done for want of wit 

To memory now I can't recall

 So fill to me the parting glass 

Good night and joy be to you all 

So fill to me the parting glass 

And drink a health whate'er befalls 

Then gently rise and softly call '

Good night and joy be to you all' 

Of all the comrades that e'er I had 

They're sorry for my going away 

And all the sweethearts that e'er I had 

They'd wish me one more day to stay 

But since it fell into my lot 

That I should rise and you should not 

I'll gently rise and softly call 

'Good night and joy be to you all' 

But since it fell into my lot

 That I should rise and you should not

 I'll gently rise and softly call 

'Good night and joy be to you all' 

So fill to me the parting glass 

And drink a health whate'er befalls 

Then gently rise and softly call

 'Good night and joy be to you all' 

Good night and joy be to you all'"

     Bilbo sang as he cleaned the guest rooms for his "not really" guests of dwarrows that Gandalf just had happened to have trailing behind him.

_"For burglary, an adventure!! Does that old, two-timing, bloody-fucking bastard think that he can get me to go on a quest to reclaim a kingdom that is pretty much a bloody country away?! After the Fell Winter, where adventuring got my parents murdered?! For fucks sake, no!! I swore up and down that if I were to survive that dreadful night, that I would NOT go on a bloody fucking adventure!!_ ***You don't have to be so rude, my lad, I was just fulfilling a wish of your mother's***

****Once finished with his inner rant, Bilbo headed towards the kitchen to prepare for dinner. Grabbing almost all of the vegetables, meat, grain and fruit, he brought it on the countertop. Deciding to make a nice, hearty beef stew, Bilbo grabbed the biggest pot he had, ***which was able to fit two or so fauntlings inside with ease... So it's pretty big*** , and filled it with water. Once done with that, he put it in the stove to let it boil.

Thinking about what his mom said about dwarrows is that they do not like 'rabbit' or 'elf' foods, so in spite of them, he decided to chop up the vegetables that would go into the stew, which he plopped into the bubbling pot of water, grabbing the beef, he stared to cube it, that is, he got a fourth of the way into the hunk of beef, ***which could have been as big as his thigh*** , until the doorbell rang. Grabbing a rag to clean his hands and then putting on his person somewhere , ***his back pocket I believe...*** _^GANDALF!!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!! MY STORY, MY WAY!^_

Bilbo walked to the door to open it, before he was able to be within door range, the bell rang again. He was just past his sitting room ***this was about a third of the way there?*** _^I'm about to smack you senseless wizard^_ when he hollered that he was coming.

Opening the door, he was welcomed to a sight of a very pregnant hobbit holding a fauntling on her hip and in her hand. Behind her was two other hobbit women with men standing next to them and four other fauntlings milling around them.

"Bell!" for that was the pregnant woman's name, was pulled in by a frantic Bilbo. "What are you doing here? Don't tell me you're going to help cook. You shouldn't need to, I mean I appreciate the-"

Bilbo babbled as he led Bell to the sitting room and gently pushing her into a comfy armchair. Her Blue eyes sparkled while her blond curls bounced with mirth from her friend's worry.

"Bilbo my lad," at that moment he huffed and mumbled something out about him being 5 years older than her, making her chuckle before slapping her hand over his mouth, "I've done more tedious jobs before when I was pregnant, remember, this is my sixth kid. I am perfectly fine to help out with a little cooking." Bell spoke with the authority of one who mothers their siblings and children, which she does no such thing, thank you very much. Before Bilbo could reply to Bell, a shrill voice broke the air, making both hobbits flinch.

"BILBO BAGGINS!!! How dare you leave your cousins out on the porch to defend against the cold?!" Another woman, much like a pug...which was one of her shifts surprisingly enough, shrieked as she dragged a dirty-blond haired child, who looks barely 10, and a man with peppered-brown hair and worry lines around his tired hazel eyes. The child whimpered, his chocolate eyes welling up with tears from the pain that the pug woman put on the child.

***** _PAUSE_ *****

**You are probably all thinking, "Wait, hobbits can change their shape too?! What else can they not do?" Yes, hobbits can shift their shape, what else they can come? I do not really know...you're lucky you're hearing all this information, for hobbits are very secretive, more than dwarrows by a ten-fold, which is saying something.**

**Most hobbits can change into about three to four animals with flight, stealth, camouflage, speed, and with some type of insect or reptile (those are generally the camo ones). Hobbits usually change into small rodents (like a rabbit), a small bird of some sort, a small lizard and/or some type of garden approved insect. It's rare if one were to change into a small dog, like Lobelia, but it's still accepted.**

**Bilbo, on the other hand, is just a flat out oddball because he can change into five animals, which are the following: a hedgehog, a red owl, a cougar, one red-rumped tarantula and one feisty chameleon. 'Blame it on those Tooks' when Bilbo changed into his shifts after the hedgehog, because they were not hobbit like.**

**Such stupidity I'd say. Some other species can also change, like the dwarrows and the elves, who could change once, the men, which is sad to say, can not change. Beorn, I believe, is the only man who can, if he is a man that is...**

**Now let's return back to the story, shall we?**

***** _ PLAY _ *****

"Lobelia!" Bilbo exclaimed after he gently removed Bell's hand from his mouth before rounding on to the pug woman.

"Let go of young Lotho and Otho! You're hurting the child!!"

Lobelia flinched and then looked at Bilbo before releasing the man and the child. She watched as Bilbo gently took Lotho into his arms, checking the child's wrist before carrying him into the kitchen.

Hollering over his shoulder, Bilbo beckoned the other kids, tempting them with promised cookies and milk. This lead to a parade into the kitchen from 5 fauntlings following Bilbo.

"You too Prim and Drogo!!" Bilbo yelled, chuckling lightly when he heard the indigent squeak from Lobelia and the bubbling laughter of Bell's.

*~*~*~*

The next few hours were a rushed flurry of cooking between the 12 hobbits, well the four hobbits, Lobelia and Otho were watching the fauntlings outside, who were playing games and such things small fauntlings like to play.

Bilbo was finishing creating the masterpiece of the Took's famous cherry pie when Prim and Drogo popped up behind Bilbo, giving him a fright, then declaring that Prim was pregnant and he was going to be the godfather, which lead to the already startled Bilbo to faint.

When he came to, Bilbo shot up in the couch, nearly banging his head on Drogo's, who just laid him down on said couch.

"But, I might die on this trip if I go!!" Was the first thing Bilbo blurted out before Drogo nor Prim were able to ask if he was alright. "This trip might take longer than a year! I might not be there for the little tyke, I mean I am, by all mean faltered at this proposal but, are you sure that you want me to be the godfather?" Bilbo babbled as he wrung his hands.

Grabbing the copper-haired hobbit's nervous hands, Prim looked at Bilbo in the eyes before speaking in that 'I'm the big sister, trust me when I say this' voice. "Bilbo, remember the story of your ma, may she rest in peace in the arms of Yavana, and Gandalf?"

Bilbo sighed, of course he knew the story, it's stuck in his head until he dies with the memory he has, which of course he try to tell Prim, but she interrupted him before he got the 'yes' out.

"Well you should know, with that memory of yours, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. After your ma popped you out, she wrapped you in a blanket and handed you to your pa, may he enjoy the everlasting sunshine, before taking off to find Gandalf, while swearing up and down that she will turn him black and blue for his tardiness. Gave the birthing woman such a freight hat she fainted! Your pa just laughed and told her good luck and went to get you cleaned up and feed. When she found Gandalf, she did turn his behind and shins so black 'n' blue that he couldn't sit properly for weeks!" Prim chuckled. "And I will do the same, well not the beating part, but the hunting you down part? That I will do!" She shouted with a raised fist.

Behind her, Bilbo thought he heard Drogo mutter something about her not being a Brandybuck, but a Took, along with some choice swear words. He got up and stretched before he walked to the kitchen, with Drogo and Prim following him like a pair of puppies.

"Fine, fine, I'll be the godfather as long as you stay here with Drogo and your baby, understood?"

" Yeah, yeah, now let's shake on it!" After shaking her hand, Bilbo shoos them out after handing them things to set the table with.

Not with his good silver and such, but with mismatched ceramic plates and bowls, along with wooden cups and random silverware. He didn't want to test the theory of his mother's stories about dwarves and plates tonight on his mother's own plates.

Once everything was ready, Bilbo sent them all, except Gandalf, who was pouting in the sitting room, (he got his hand smacked with a wooden spoon for trying to grab a cookie) with a pouch of coins. He also checked Lobelia for silverware on her person (he found 5) before sending her on her way with a pouch of coins too.

Grabbing the tea tray into the sitting room, he set it on the coffee table before grabbing himself a cup of Irish tea (tea with whiskey) and sinking in the armchair. Bilbo chuckled as Gandalf snagged the whole plate of cookies that was on the tray (he ain't that cruel to deprive a man of sweets with tea! That's just monstrous!).

"Gandalf, I want you to promise me that I won't be beheaded if I were to throw them to the Brandywine River or break a nose for their rude actions. I will not tolerate some rude-ass dwarrows towards me tonight when I cooked a meal and cleaned some rooms for them." Gandalf nodded as he munched on his fifth? peanut butter chocolate chip cookie.

"You should show them your strength in that game that you used to play as a faunt, to prove that you are not as weak as you look. It will be fun for you and most humorous for me." The wizard suggested.

Before he had a chance to reply, there was a knock on the door.

"They're here..." Gandalf whispered.

Bilbo scowled at Gandalf before he set his tea aside and stood up.

_Damn him and his bloody fucking dramatics. He's more of a bloody drama queen than a wizard._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and the comments!!


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again snowflakes for the love and the kudos and the comments!!!

_"They're here" Gandalf whispered._

"No shit Sherlock" Bilbo shot back as he went to the door.

"Lovely books, by the way, remind me to have you sign them!" Gandalf's reply was of a groaning hobbit 'stomping' towards the door.

Bilbo opened the door to a dwarf, _'more like a bear'_ , ***quit right you are m'lad, always able to accurately spot a person's shift right off the bat!! Are you sure that you're not Sherlock with your deduction skills?*** _^I will skin you Gandalf if you don't shut up!^_, he was big and bulky, probably because of the amount of cloth, leather, metal and furs on said dwarf. The dwarf had many tattoos on his person, with them being on his head, arms and knuckles being most prominent. A black beard adorn his harden face, grey eyes peering down at Bilbo with doubt and disbelief.

Bilbo also noticed his weapons, surprisingly. _'Let's see...looks like he has...15-no-17 knives hidden on his person? Damn, the Arts a lot...oh lookin there!! Big ol' war hammer! Two of 'em!! Bloody fuck they're a beauty! Oh look at those knuckle busters, such a fine workmanship...'_ Bilbo sighed, not noticing the amused look on Gandalf's face or the bewildered confusion of the dwarf's.

Clearing his throat, the dwarf awkwardly shifted in his place, snapping Bilbo's attention towards him. Realizing he got the hobbit's attention, he immediately straighten up, "Dwalin, at yer service." The gruff-looking dwarf spoke in an equally gruff voice, giving Bilbo a short bow.

"Bilbo Baggins, at your's and your family's." Bilbo replied with an equally short bow. "Please take your boots and put it over here. Your weapons, all 21 of 'em? over here in this room." Bilbo maneuvered a shock dwarf inside while showing him where to put his things.

"Hey Gandalf, you didn't tell me that one was a bear!" Bilbo hollered, chuckling as he heard a choked growl behind him and a bellowing laughter before him.

"No offense Mister Dwalin, you just looked hairy enough with all that fur to be one!" Bilbo chuckled as he lead a still growling Dwalin to Gandalf. "But no matter, lets get some food into ya."

*~*~*~*

11 more dwarrows came and entered Bilbo's home in this fashion, being deduced on the amount of weapons they had, their shift and some type of insult thrown at them. Well, most of them.

"Hello laddie, m'name's Bofur, tis me brother Bombur 'n' tha's me cousin Bifur. We are at your service." A dwarf wearing a hat, that had what seems to be gravity defying ear flaps, spoke as he pointed at himself, a hobbit-envy girth dwarf and a dwarf with an axe in his head. _'Poor thing'_ Bilbo thought as he bowed back and introduced himself.

"Would you be so kind to remove your boots and set them over there? Your weapons, all 15", he pointed at Bofur, "10", at Bombur, "and 17 weapons off your person?" finishing with Bifur as he lead them to the room with the rest of the company's weapons. Bofur just laughed and clapped him on his back while doing what Bilbo asked, having his brother and cousin following him.

"Afterwards, just take a left, go straight 2 doors down and then a right to reach the dinning hall, there you can eat your fill of the feast I've prepared."

And what a feast it was, having been laid on 2 tables, with assorted meats, soups, breads, biscuits, cookies, pies and drinks for them all.

This was repeated with the 'Ri brothers. Well...not really with the last one...

"Alright lil fox, I want your 57 plus weapons in that room, boots off, and if I see you try to sneak off with my mother's good silverware, I will chop your beard off. Now will you please return my bell, knife, my family crescents, along with my copper and my leather bracelets, and no one will get hurt." Bilbo grinned ferociously at Nori, who puffed up with anger before deflating with a sheepish look on his face and returning said items.

***** _STOP_ *****

**I want to explain a hobbit's birthstone and family crescents before we moved on further. A hobbit's birthstone is like your birthstone, to be exact. With your month of birth being related to a stone, you tend to not really care about it. With a hobbit, when a child is born, the mother and father will go out to mine the stone out, or buy it, and set it into the coin of the family crescents.**

**Family crescents is a flat, circular piece of silver, with the colored initial of the parent's last names, family plats and animals, along with the child's birthstone. It was then connected with braided leather. This was to be created and given on the child's 10th birthday.**

**For Bilbo, he had the typical braided leather, but on the silver, he had the red B and the green T along with the Baggins' morning glories and the Took's tiger lilies stamped into the coin. This also had the Baggins' hedgehog and the Took's cougar stamp as well.** **Bilbo's birthstone, which is an sapphire being born in September, was set inside of the bottom loop of the B.**

**These are what represent a hobbit. Much like the beads of a dwarf. If a hobbit were to die, the bracelet would have the date they were born and died on the inside of the coin, along with the forget-me-not flower stamped on the inside. Quite extravagant for them to do, but who am I to judge the culture of a hobbit. Let's return back to my dear Bilbo.**

** * _PLAY_ * **

With a laugh, Bilbo himself returned to Nori his purse of coins, a red gem attached on a leather cord, 3 rings, 2 earrings, 5 beads and 5 daggers. With a gaping mouth, Nori retrieved his items and put him on his person or on the growing stack of weapons. He watched as Bilbo securely clasp the 3 bracelets on his left wrist and then to toy with the lone half-hooped and studded silver earring that was also on his left side.

As he and his brothers were lead to the dinning hall by the hobbit, he wondered if Bilbo could actually be their burglar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did ya think? Comment please!
> 
> Also, does anyone wanna be my editor? I would love it if someone were to tell me and correct my grammar mistakes.
> 
> Thank you again snowflakes!!


	6. Chapter 5

Walking into the dinning room, Bilbo noticed that the Dwarrows were about to open a keg of human ale.

"Oh, not _that_ stuff! No, I'll get you the _real_ stuff, hobbit ale 'n' whiskey! This one will  knock you into your cups after the second mug of it. Best of the Shire!! Especially the ones that the Tooks made down in Tuckborough." Bilbo spoke as he smacked the dwarrows near the keg on their hands.

Baffled, the dwarrows of them turned to Gandalf as if they knew he would explain what just happened.

"Hobbit ale and whiskey is very strong, such ale makes me woozy after 1/2 a mug of it, but it is wonderful stuff." Gandalf spoke with humor as he watched as the dwarrows scoffed at an ale that could be stronger than their own.

"Alright, got the ale, now who wants to have a drinking contest with me? I've beaten a numerous amount of tall folk-" the Dwarrows chuckled at this, "-elves-" they blew up in belly shaking laughter, "-my own and Dwarrows." Bilbo spoke as he grabbed numerous amount if mugs.

"Wait what?! No, you must be mistaken laddie, we dwarrows have a hearty tolerance to a drink." Bofur chuckled nervously as he spoke a bit louder over the ruckus everyone else, save for himself, Gandalf and Bilbo made.

"Well then, who wants to test this theory?" Bilbo chuckled, his hands on his hips in amusement.

Most raised their hands and yell that they wanted to prove that the theory is wrong.

\---

In the end, Bilbo went against Kili, many not wanting to hurt the lad, but when Kili fainted into a drunken slumber after his 2nd and Bilbo looking like he just had a cup of tea, they decided to let Dwalin best the hobbit.

\----

Four mugs later, Dwalin is snoring away, his fifth mug untouched in his hand. Bilbo sits across from him, on his 7th mug, his cheeks a bit rosy with him a bit giggly, hearing the raunchy stories from Nori sitting next to him. The company decides to send their best drinker to go against the currently laughing hobbit.

"A'righ'y lad, lets tes' you agains' me 'n' see how you fair!" Bofur declared with a grin.

Grabbing his 8th mug of the golden liquid, Bilbo let out an almighty belch, plopped down across Bofur and gave the dwarf his sauciest grin, completed with a wink.

"Ya sure dimples? I bet that you're gonna swim after your 6th mug, leaving me being the winner!" Bilbo bellowed out as he plopped a small pile of coins between them.

"We'll see!! I be' I'll swim on my 7th!!" Bofur chuckled as he set down a smaller pile of coins between them.

\---

Let's just say that after half of his 6th cup, Bofur decided he wanted to sing on the table. So up he got, swaying a bit as he stood, and proceeded to climb on the table. Bilbo, seeing what Bofur was doing, decided to join him. Once the were both on the table, swaying a bit, they decided to see who was the best singer.

Bofur looking around at the others and saw the dishes still out, decided to sing about Bilbo's pickiness, hoping to prompt everyone else to clean up in the dwarfish manner.

  "Blunt the knives, bend the forks-" Bofur began to sing, picking up some plates and tossing it to Fili, who tossed it to Bombur, who tossed it to Bifur and so on, cleaning and washing the dishes. Bilbo squawked about to leap to Fili before Bofur wrapped his arm around him.

"Smash the bottles and burn the corks" the company continued. 

"Chip the glasses and crack the plates 

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Cut the cloth, tread on the fat

 Leave the bones on the bedroom mat

 Pour the milk on the pantry floor

 Splash the wine on every door!

Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl 

Pound them up with a thumping pole

 When you're finished if they are whole

 Send them down the hall to roll" 

Bofur spun Bilbo round and round on the table before stopping him. Looking down he smirked at the flustered hobbit, who's cheeks were getting pink spots on them.

"THAT'S WHAT BILBO BAGGINS HATES!!" Everyone shouted, chuckling at Bilbo, who was glaring at his dishes, all cleaned and in front of him.

Clearing his throat, Bilbo looked at Bofur and then everyone else before turning back to Bofur and smirk.

"Oh you're gonna enjoy this one!" He chuckled before pushing Bofur off the table so that he could be the only one on it.

"Interesting song fellows, but top this!!" Arms wide and a wide grin on his face, he began to sing.

"Do your beards hang low

Do they wobble to and fro,

Could you tie 'em in a knot,

Could you tie 'em in a bow,

Could you throw it o'er your shoulder

Like an Ereborean soldier,

Do your BEARDS!! HANG!! LOW!!" Bilbo all but shouted as he ran from angry dwarrows, repeating the song while he slipped through them all, running circles around them.

Laughing and shouting was heard from and behind Bilbo, almost drowning the knock from the door. Skipping over to the door, Bilbo turned back to see if anyone was following, only to see Bofur fall flat on his face, finally unable to stay awake with the liquor. Laughing even harder at his friend, _I just made a friend? It's been years since that happened! _, he opened the door to a dwarf growling at him.

"Hello wolfie!!" Bilbo chirped.

Growling louder, the dwarf barged in, shoving Bilbo into the door. Seeing Gandalf near the door, the dwarf glared at the wizard.

"I thought you said it was easy to find this place, I lost my place twice, thrice if it wasn't for the note on the gate" the dwarf growled out.

"First of all, _rude._ Second of all, excu~se me! I did not tell your sorry royal ass to come in!!" Bilbo jabbed the dwarf with his finger as he started to berate him on manners.

Realising this, Gandalf cleared his throat and gently pulled the hobbit towards him.

"Bilbo my lad, this is the leader of the company, Thorin Oakenshield." Gandalf spoke gently, covering the hobbit's mouth. "Thorin, this is our burglar, Bilbo Baggins"

"Tell me, what do you prefer, sword or axe?" Thorin questioned Bilbo.

Bilbo raised an eyebrow, moving the hand he answered back with as much sass as he could muster up.

"I didn't know this was an interrogation, if I'd known, I wouldn't of had so much ale!! But, if you must know, I'm quite skilled at conkers" Bilbo giggled as he leaned into Gandalf.

"Of course, looks more like a grocer than a bulgar, he can't even hold his liquor, looks too so-" Thorin never was able to finish his sentence for he found himself on the floor with a knees on his arms, a hand pulling his hair harshly back, barring his neck to the knife in the hobbit's hand.

"If you insult me again, I won't hesitate to throw your ass in the river, after I beat your ass black 'n' blue. If I were you, I would apologise, get your ass back outside and think before knocking again. I want you to act like the prince you are and not the ass of an asshole again. Understood?" Bilbo growled out, eyes turning a bit brighter, teeth a bit sharper.

"Yes," Thorin spoke quietly.

"You answer me as sir, you have no privilege if answering me like a mere common person" he growled out in a dangerous tone, pressing the knife closer to Thorin's neck.

"Yes sir"

"Good, do as your told, wait 5 minutes before you knock again." Bilbo all but shoved him out the door, snapping the door close before turning back to the rest of the company.

"Well who wants desert?" Bilbo grinned as he clapped his hands.

\---

If anyone were to ask what happened during that time, Ori would've answered back saying that it looked like Bilbo hooked his foot behind Thorin's leg, grabbed Thorin's arm and pulled down, twisting them so that Thorin was to land on his back and Bilbo to easily manoeuvre himself to trap Thorin beneath him.

\---

"This will most definitely be the most humorous journey for me!" Gandalf chuckled as he pulled out his pipe to smoke.

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOUR'E SAFE YOURSELF MR. GREYHAME!!" Bilbo yelled out, making Gandalf jerk in fright and choke on his smoke.


End file.
